The Graduate
Celebrating our young adult children, and ourselves.
Tonight I wore my “#22's Mom” t-shirt for one of the last times as #22's mom. From the first team sport she ever played, my daughter chose #22. It was her dad's number in all of the sports he played as a kid. He passed away when she was seven. Having the same number has always been a bond she is able to still share with him. As I took the t-shirt out of my drawer and stared at the royal blue top I have worn quite a bit, I began to choke up.
The last senior night game for my girl was here. Suddenly, the emotions were here as well. How did this happen so quickly? Did I blink? Why was I so emotional anyways? Peri-menopausal moms shouldn’t have to add extra emotional stuff like this to their plates. Plus, this is my second child to graduate high school. I have already been through it all once. I should be a pro, not a sissy like this! These are the lies I have been telling myself anyways. I have said this entire senior year that the spring would be the toughest, lacrosse being her game and the team being a family. I was right. It didn’t help make it any less emotional when the coach had dirt from the high school field made into pendants for the senior girls to wear on a chain around their necks or to use as a keychain. The senior recognition game was another win for us, with my daughter scoring 2 goals. I have never understood lacrosse, but I have understood how much it has meant to my girl. That’s all that matters.
Back in April of 2007, I was in hard labor for nearly 18 hours with this kid. Now, suddenly 18 years have passed?!? I spent that entire pregnancy, like all the others, wondering who this little person would be and, now, right before my eyes, she has become her own amazing young woman. Now she gets to wonder who she will become, how she will change and grow, and I get to witness it all! I spent 9 months wondering if I was eating all the right foods, if I was exercising the perfect amount, if I was doing all I could to make sure she was healthy and safe. Now my new adult is going to be needing to make those choices for herself as she goes away to college, making mistakes and learning to do her best and to give herself grace. Wait… “my new adult”…? My new adult? Let’s all take a moment to congratulate ourselves on our accomplishment. WE HAVE MADE A WHOLE ENTIRE ADULT! We did it! This is all so insane… we are awesome! Meanwhile, my train of thought continues to follow the rest of the mom brain, all over the place, as usual. Bare with me as I organize my thoughts. Let’s start by looking back to the fall.
My reflection on senior year? What a bitch! Am I right?!? If you started college tours in junior year and through the summer, then fall of senior year rolls around and it starts to get real! If you just started the college search in the fall, then let the stress begin! Either way, now that I have been through 2 senior years, I see the pattern. If this doesn’t happen for you, be ever so grateful! About November the change happens. My sweet, wonderful daughter suddenly hates me and everything I do or say. These kids get anxious and stressed. They worry about going away from home. They worry about leaving their friends. They worry about making the “right” decision for college or trade or career path. They worry about everything they have known for their entire lives changing. That’s a lot of stress and anxiety. Guess where it gets aimed? Directly at you! We lucky parents being there for our children unconditionally also means that we are their safe space to take all the crap and chaos out on. And take it out they do! I watched friendships change as stress put a strain on them, all of these kids going through the same emotions yet not mature enough to process that and be there for one another.
I watched all of the “lasts” happen, each one increasingly more emotional as graduation day approaches. I couldn’t say or do anything right. This sweet girl suddenly turned into the spawn of Satan and left me reeling for when she was five years old sitting in my lap while I read stories to her until she fell asleep. My theory is that God makes this stage happen for a reason. It softens the blow when they leave to go away to college. Thanks God, for that glimmer of hope of missing them less because they spent the last 6 months being downright nasty.
That brings me to my next thought. Change, although sometimes difficult, can still be really, really great! Think back on your own life, for example. How many of us can really say that those 4 years of high school were the best part of our lives so far? We all know that it got better, so much better! With the risks and the hard work came the rewards! As I look back at my almost 49 years to my own high school experience, I am much happier with who I am now! High school was not a bad experience for me at all. I had plenty of fun. I also remember the stress from time to time. However, as life goes on and we learn and grow, if we allow our new experiences to change us for the better, they absolutely will! These high school seniors have no idea the excitement that awaits them! Yes, change can be sad. Yes, change can be difficult. Change is also the catalyst that advances us to find our true purpose and become the best version of ourselves! The best part as a parent? We get to witness it all! Yes, we have to watch them make mistakes and get hurt, but we also get to watch their future unfold. We get to share in their excitement for new adventures, new knowledge, the new people they meet that change their lives for the better, the places they will travel, and their own personal growth. As you cry when your senior walks across the stage or when you move them into the dorm, do not mistake these tears for sadness. These emotions are truly pride overflowing from within! Tears of pride from years of hard work on your part Mama, that is what will be rolling down your face! It is perfectly ok to be emotional. This is not just an 18 year old who got to this place alone. This is representative of their hard work, yes, but this is also representative of YOUR hard work too!
Remember all of the stories you read to them when they were little, the help with homework, the rides to after school activities, the cheering in the stands, the drying of the tears, the sleepless nights hoping, wondering, praying that you weren’t screwing this parenting thing all up, and the discipline that wasn’t always easy to enforce! Let those tears of pride rain down Mama! Feel the feels. Maybe you choke a little and have that tight throat like me, but there is so much good represented in these emotions!
As I also process the emotions of each new milestone for my children, I am left remembering that I am blessed to be here to see this. Their father is not. Their grandparents are not. Their uncle is not. I have a different perspective knowing that every step they grow and every new experience they have, I am here to witness and it is truly a blessing. We get to be here and be a part of our children’s lives when others cannot. This shift in focus is critical! How amazing is it to be here and to be alive for the moments in life that we will never forget?
As we draw focus to the gratitude for getting ourselves and them to this moment, let’s not forget there are other positives aspects of our children growing up. When our children get older, they get more independent. We are able to do more with our own lives. We are able to go back to the things we did for ourselves before we had children. We get to pick up old hobbies again and reconnect with friends in person instead of the texts saying, “we really do need to get together soon”.
When our adult children have new experiences, we have opportunities to also have new experiences. Think about them studying abroad. You get to visit a new country to see them! Think about the new friends you will make through the new friends they make. Perhaps their roommate’s parents are great! You never know! If you haven’t already experienced it, your kid (when not being an ass) is actually growing up to be funny and kind and wonderful. You get the chance to connect with them on a new level. You eventually get to the place where you can finally be their friend after years of having to be the one keeping them in line. As more is on them, less is on you! You are still always here when they need you, of course, but it’s in a different way. Now, it’s time to trust them and their decisions and their abilities. You taught them, after all.
About 17 years ago, I watched my daughter take her first steps. There was a whole lot of falling involved, but, eventually, she got her sea legs and took off running. She still fell from time to time, but she always got back up, sometimes alone and sometimes with a little help. As I watch her walk across that stage on graduation day and head into her future, I know she will fall from time to time. I also know that she will get back up and try again, sometimes alone and sometimes with a little help. My daughter will figure it out. So will your new adult. They’ll all be okay and so will we.
Kelly Guay is a widowed, working, single mom of four who loves life and seeing her family and others thrive. She believes a little motivation can go a long way in all aspects of life. Kelly is the owner of Breakwater Advantage, a holistic health and wellness business. You can learn more about Kelly and her work here.
